“How did you become so into Church? And into God? I mean did a feeling just come over you or did you start by reading the Bible?”
This question was asked of me recently and this was the reply. Though it isn’t a full reply because that would be a book this is the best way I could answer this question.
So Brianna (my then 6 year old daughter) had been asking and asking me to go back to Church. I didn’t even know that she had also been praying about it in our class with her teacher at school too until after the fact. I kept telling myself that once we move to Winston Salem I would find a new Church home. I didn’t realize it was going to take us so long to ever move, I didn’t want to have to drive from Greensboro to Winston Salem after doing it every day of the week. Bri said one day (AGAIN) MOM, when are we are going back to Church? I told her when she came back from her dad’s we would try the Church where she goes to school and she made me promise and she was so excited. So when I picked her up the next week she did NOT forget it! I really didn’t want to go….but I promised.
I sat in the pew by myself…a very large church, not what we are use to. We stood for the music and they had a full band, drummer, several guitars etc. I stood…I listened…I cried…I was spoken to. I felt something inside of me I never felt before. The band, the song, the lyrics where all directed at me (or so it felt.) One song was even “I have finally found where I belong” and though that meant in the presence of Jesus, it also meant this is my new Church home. I cried, I prayed, I cried. I figured something out those first 30 mins of service (during the praise and worship time which is the music time.) I prayed: God, I am so sorry for leaving you…I walked with you, then I left, I would walk with you again then turn my back on you over and over through out my life. I am so sorry God, I am so sorry I left you. And so heavy I felt, SOOO SOOO heavy, as I was told…My child I never left you, I have been here, all the time, I NEVER LEFT YOU…I NEVER LEFT YOU…I’VE BEEN WITH YOU though you may have left me at times, I was ALWAYS here, ALWAYS here with you. I know I may sound crazy, but this was real, my body felt as if I was going to collapse as I stood there knowing no one around me, but I was NOT ALONE. I didn’t feel alone…his presence was with me and all I could do was cry. Thank you God, thank you God, for never leaving me. This IS where I belong. I know I can learn here. So the sermon, of course every word of it was like he was talking to only me.
So I’ve been going to this Church ever since. I can’t wait for Sunday to come so I can experience his presence again and again. I am addicted to it, I am addicted to the Holy Spirit, I can’t get enough. I am so hungry and thirsty for Jesus I can not get enough of him. I’ve experienced his presence and that’s where I want to be. So at first I struggled… a lot. First this church was teaching me things I never knew. I had to do my own research to see if I believed in their doctrines. But bottom line, they are Jesus followers period. But that presence I felt every Sunday at Church, I only felt every Sunday at Church. I longed for MORE. I didn’t know how to feel the way I did at church ALL the time even when I am not at church. I didn’t want to leave church because I didn’t want the feeling to go away.
This Church has taught me that it is not about religion. Religion is a set of rules. When someone asks for salvation and becomes a Christian they are like now what. They say ok, now I have to do this this this and this because that is the rules. OK, I have to pray, lord thank you for this and that and keep my family healthy ……same prayer over and over. With no true meaning and not really talking to God, just in a habitual prayer because you are told you are suppose to pray. So Christians get stuck in all I have to do is go to Church, follow these rules and pray. I’ve learned there is more to it then that. It is about building a RELATIONSHIP with God through the Holy Spirit and through Jesus. I have LEARNED to pray. I have learned to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit and know how to listen for Jesus. To feel Jesus through the Holy Spirit.
Just picking up a Bible wasn’t enough for me. We aren’t meant to understand it, it is hard to interpret and know what the true meaning of the Bible is. That is where my Church comes in to help me. Our Pastors have studied the scriptures to know how to explain it to us and how to apply it to our every day life. Not just as a set of rules, but use the scriptures to develop and grow a relationship with God. First, Praise and Worship is important. Singing hymns was just a “rule” to me before, it’s just something you do. Now, praise and worship is something totally different. (Praise and worship is worshiping through music, music and prayer.) Think about it, when do people talk to God? When they WANT something right? We are always ASKING God for something. God already gave us something; he gave us his son, Jesus who gave his life. Why do we keep ONLY asking for more? Don’t you think our God wants to be PRAISED and WORSHIPED? I think it begins with this. There are God ENCOUNTERS, personal God encounters during praise and worship, you praise him, he listens and he answers. Before he GIVES you something don’t you think he WANTS something? All he wants is our Love, us to praise him, worship him and to thank him for what he has given us. (Jesus Christ) If you live a life of praise and worship he will take care of you, answer prayers, guide you and never leave you alone. He will show you the way.
For example, I have had weeks where I am like, how am I going to have enough gas money to get to work this week??? I trust him, I trust in the Lord and he provides. Once, we got a rebate check in the mail and weren’t even expecting it!!! There is your gas money!!! Something just always seems to happen when I need it to the most and don’t know HOW I am going to do it. God DOES provide. All I have to do is TRUST him.
So back to my struggle, I was only feeling good and his presence while I was at Church. Once back home through out the week it was back to normal crazy life. But I kept learning and building my relationship with God and I have learned to Praise and worship on MY OWN. I have the worship music from Church and listen to it every day and the Holy Spirit touches me every day. By learning the real way to pray and continuously building on the relationship with God, I now feel him all the time. I hunger for him all the time even when I am not at Church. It took me a while to get there. It is not an overnight change.
I have asked Jesus to take my ANGER, my FRUSTRATION and that I don’t take things out on my kids. I no longer need my anti-depressant medication because now Jesus is my medication and he gets me through it. All I had to do is pray, speak to him. Jesus, take my anger, take my darkness, take it here here here take it, don’t give it back to me Lord, please give me the strength to not take it back from you, I don’t want it back. You died for me so that you can take this darkness away from me, take it don’t give it back to me. And he did….over time, he did. You don’t have to say, OK I am a Christian so I can’t do certain things anymore than my heart desires. As you build the relationship, your heart starts to desire OTHER things and you naturally give up the things that are not holy things or sinful things. My music taste has changed, the way I handle conflict with other people has changed naturally, with out me trying. Just by building an intimate relationship with MY Lord.
My Church believes in “Individual spirituality,” a close personal relationship with the Holy Spirit. That there IS and CAN be happiness on this earth. God is LOVE, why wouldn’t he want his children to be happy? But to be happy I believe we have to live through Jesus. There is the Kingdom that awaits us, but there is also a kingdom WITHIN us. If we chose to live in the kingdom, we can be happy. That doesn’t mean we will never go through struggles on this earth, but we don’t go through them alone and we learn to make peace with those struggles. I have went from being judgmental and not really liking most people to this BURST in my heart that just wants to love EVERYONE. Including those I may have considered an enemy before. I have a desire to make amends with them. I want my heart to live in peace, not anger. And through the Lord I am learning to do that.
I also read my Bible, but that can be scary. I don’t understand everything so I research it. You can’t really just take one verse and say that is the way it is. You have to read it in its context to help understand it. I also use a study Bible which helps me understand it. And I have relationships with other Christians that can help me in my spiritual path to understand things that I do not on my own. Its not meant for us to understand everything. If we could understand everything we would be God.
There is so much more to it then this. It is hard to put all my experiences into words. But I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit is with me, has always been with me and I was never left. When I was a “Christian” in my past life, I turned back on God many times. THIS TIME, and this is the only time, I have ever thought, I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK, I WILL NEVER GO BACK, I will walk with you forever and never ever leave you again. I have experienced you Jesus, I have experienced the presence of the Holy Spirit and I want it and don’t ever want to be who I was before.
I still have a long way to go; it’s a continuous thing to build this relationship with God. Just like any relationship, you have to keep building on it. It is no different with God. You have to keep feeding it. If you stop talking to a friend for a long time, that relationship isn’t as strong, if you talk to a friend ALL the time then you have a stronger relationship and you have to keep feeding it. It’s the same thing you have to do with God. Keep the relationship strong, keep building on it. And supernatural things happen….